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"Am I gay if I am in love with a transgender/transsexual woman?"

August 6, 2010 |  by

This is quite a controversial topic and I wanted to talk about it a few weeks ago. Generally speaking, men love and appreciate beauty, brains and dedication when it comes to their life partners. Not once did it happen for a 100% convinced heterosexual man to fall in love with a transsexual girl because of her long legs and feminine body traits, but also because she managed to understand him better than any other woman. The thing is that when this happens, men are quite affraid to get in contact with transsexual girls or express their feelings because they think this would make them be or look gay, and this is the last thing they want.

I`ve decided to write this article because too many men have stepped aside from a relationship or a simple chat with a transsexual girl because of their preconceptions and because of the fact they weren`t brave enough to take the bull by it`s horns and look deeper into the problem. Being in love with a transgender does NOT make you gay, because T-girls look, feel and act exactly like women, the only difference between them and genetic women is that T-girls were biologically male. To be more precise, you`re not gay because you`re in love with girls with the little extra, hehe.

First of all, I`d like to get one thing straight: transsexual girls DO NOT want a relationship with gay men. This is quite  a common confusion made by heterosexual people but also by the LGBT people who believe that T-girls want gay men. That`s totally wrong, and I`m going to explain you why:

The explanation is simple: the word "gay" reffers to a person who is sexually, physically and mentally attracted by somebody of the same gender. Therefore we have gay men and gay women (lesbians). As a following, gay men want hung, muscled, masculine MEN, not transgenders! Gay men were not gay at all if they wanted transsexuals, right? Transgenders (no matter if they`re pre-op or post-op) only deal with bisexual, pansexual and heterosexual guys who aren`t affraid of expressing their sexuality and push the limits. It`s true that not everybody likes transsexuals, but many, many men do.

There are a few situations when heterosexual men can be seen as bisexuals (it`s wrong for a hetero guy to say "does that make me gay?",  if he has been having contact with women for his entire life and he`s convinced he`s into girls). For instance, when a straight guy tries to have sexual intercourse with a transgender or a masculine/feminine gay guy, he can be seen as a bisexual (or often called "bi-curious", when they try new things in order to see how far can they push their sexuality).

In addition to what I`ve said earlier, if a heterosexual guy has intimate contact with a post-op transsexual girl, he`s still straight because physically speaking, there is absolutely no difference between a transsexual girl and a genetic woman, so whether the the guy has intimate intercourse with a T-girl or a woman, he is 100% heterosexual.  It`s all a matter of self perception, because while some guys like to call themselves bisexuals, others claim to be heterosexuals even if they had sex with men.

Related posts:

  1. Why do Some Men See Transgender Women as Single Use Toys?
  2. 8 questions NOT to ask a transsexual

29 Comments


  1. I am going to keep my comment very short on this topic because it was said so so well by Persona non grata, her comments are 100% on target.

    I can't remember the last time I read such a perfect statement of belief that is exactly what I would have written, fantastic job sis !!

    Christy

  2. If men who like transsexuals see themselves as gays, they didn't look for transsexuals but for other men or crossdresser...
    I am straight and i like transsexuals, not for their "man sex" ( i prefere not to see it) but for their mind... They are more female than native females.
    It's my opinion, after all everybody thinks what they like to think!

    Fred

  3. I am a transsexual female and have been involved in the GLBT community since the late 1980's. As vp of a 27-year-old GLBT publishing company in San Diego for over 13 years I can say without reservation that NO gay men wants to date a transsexual female, ever. That will happen when they turn in their gay card and start dating girls. Not going to happen. I have had lesbian women hit on me and I have gone out with a couple over the years. ONLY straight men are attracted to ts girls, also include bi women in that also. I have heard from men that they love how feminine ts females are and how much we pay attention to our femininity. We wear dresses and skirts while non ts women are running around in pants and no makeup. Bland and unfeminine. They have said that TS women have a much higher sex drive than non ts women. Many guys have said that they are just tired of dealing with the drama they get from non ts girls which is not there with a ts girl like me. MtF transsexuals are, with every fiber of their being, female.

    Not sure if you have seen this or not Iran approves transsexuals getting married. Iran, a fundamentalist religious state, believes that transsexual women are just that - women and the men that love us are straight. In the US we have fundamentalist groups saying the solution Marriage Equality is to hang us - problem solved. What a twist. (Though, according to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, there are no gays in Iran. I guess they just have transsexuals.) The state even pays for SRS surgery.

    Gay men by definition are attracted to men. Men that are into men. Might be a bi man but the bi man identifies as a man not as a female.

    XO
    Amber Hunter

  4. Thank you, Amber. Please keep in mind that no links are allowed in comments. However, people can still visit your website if they click on your name used in the comment. Keep in touch, thanks again for the info !

  5. IMHO, This is not as controversial as it may seem. The relationship is obviously defined by the Trans-woman involved. If she actually identifies as a Woman, then the relationship is no different than that of a typical heterosexual one where... there is a man who loves a woman.

    Having made that point clear, no self-appreciating Trans-woman would ever allow her lover to claim he loves her because she "is just another man that looks pretty". Certainly there are those relationships that stray from the typical path - and I'm not sitting in judgement of them. I'm just saying that from where I sit, I would never allow someone to define me in the above-mentioned fashion - and yet claim that they love me. That would be a huge insult to me, since my whole point in Transitioning is to make it perfectly clear that I am indeed a Woman.

    I happen to be a Lesbian Trans-woman (a girl who likes other girls). So this topic is not one that would directly apply to me anyway. So before all you online nay-sayers start in on me, please know that I do not proport to be the Quintessential Paragon of All Truth, when it comes to "Straight" people.

    I really don't care about the mechanics of whatever gender acts are performed between people who say they love one another. It's more important from my perspective to know who truly loves me purely for who and what I say I am.

    BTW - My preference is really tall Brunettes who dress and identify as totally femme. Whatever happens between me and them in the bedroom is a moot point as far as outsiders go - it's flat-out none of their business. But just for the sake of discussion, whatever it is that goes on in there must recognize, respect and affirm my Womanhood whilst en route to our mutual romantic bliss!

    ~ Nancy-Jo Morris
    Executive Facilitator
    Peak Areas Gender Expressions
    Colorado Springs

  6. ... gay ? if we need to explain it, They will not understand it !

    I am bit tired to hear slogans like "BEST OF BOTH WORLDS" etc.

    Living my life in the way and Transsexual peoplel I love[d] does not mean it makes everything easier just because it is a "two male brain relationship"

    Actually it can also be "WORSE OF BOTH WORLDS".

    I am living in Asia, Thailand, Bangkok. I don't know too much about European Transsexual lifestyle. Here it is very open minded, easy. Still a bit strange but well accepted. They may see me as a LADYBOY LOVER. But not as a "gay" man!

    The plastic surgery is nearly perfect, the medications so cheap. It does not make it easier only it looks perfect... They are still female hormones in a male body. There is a natural reason why they are not there from birth. It should be the right medication, but here the "doc" is the best friend. NO, a relationship with a Transsexual on medication is not always more easy but of course can be so much more FUN !!! If this sounds it "GAY" for some people, who cares ?

    As the girls here take it very serious a "gay" guy would hardly find a Thai Ladyboy for a serious relationship. It seem to be "normal" that who wants to be and live as a girl wishes to have a STRAIGHT MALE PARTNER. If they wish to live a life with a gay person, why all this operations, medications, pain ? Logical.

    I am always wondering if LadyBoys tell me, that most of the European men they met, want them to top the guys. On the other side Asian not. In 9 years i met many people in this community, but never met a Thai LadyBoy in relationship with a Gay man. Maybe "technically" there is a difference if the man likes to be passive, bottom ? I have no experiences or fantasies like that. So would that be "gay" ?
    Also "lesbian" relationships [LadyBoy with LadyBoy] are very rare here.

    If it makes me "GAY" that i love my partner`s whole body with every part on it, then it is maybe just a textbook definition that does not involves MY LIFE !

    ENJOY WHAT YOUR HEART AND MIND TELLS YOU . . .
    only scared people think in "BOXES"!

    greetings to all of you from Bangkok.

    Mike.

  7. I only date heterosexual men and they are not gay as a result. if they were gay i would probably have no interest in them. i want a Man a real Man that is all Man and as a result they make me feel complete as a woman. A gay man could make me feel the same way it's just not possible. Does that make one type of relationship either gay or straight better or right verus wrong ? Absolutly not .The relationship dynamic between a man and women is very different from that of gay men,lesbian women and soforth.To say one is better than the other is rediculous.I believe it is incredibly small minded to play on the differences between genders rather than focus on the similarities.Every relationship gay or straight has exactly the same elements. That being said,Love is Love,and between two people gay ,straight or otherwise we are all exactly the same.

  8. Amen Amber. I love your writing style and the interesting information.
    xo

  9. My opinion is men who are attracted to T Girls are not gay, but they are not totally hetero either, if they have sx with someone who has the same genitalia. I am attracted to women, what are referred to in Thailand as fem boys, and ladyboys, depending on the individual. So I have no illusions or concern with how I would be labeled. I guess the best term to refer to men who like women and T Girls both, would be pansexual. Google it and see if you agree.

  10. You`re absolutely right, Marv. I even wrote an article about pansexuals and said that they`re attracted to one`s physical appearance and don`t really care what`s between that person`s legs (they often see themselves as gender-blind). My ex-bf told me he`s pansexual, and at first I didn`t know what that means so I googled it too, hehe :)

    Thanks for your comment, please stop by again!

  11. to lump all men that seek ts women into one group is foolish because yes I think there are those that are a little gay.

    I am a ts and only date men who don't know of me. Real Hetero men romance me and interact with me as a hetero girl.

    Im not sure if fetish is the right word but being a living breathing walking fetish for some guy is not a priority. Most Hetero TS women I know feel the some about tranny chasers.

  12. You`re totally right. But isn`t this a bit dangerous, even if you`re a post-op transgender woman? I mean, I wouldn`t dare doing that, because you never know how men can react when they find out you`re transgendered. I remember I saw this news a few months ago, a guy married a post op ts woman but he thought he was a genetic girl, and he found a few emails in her inbox years after they got married. From those emails he realized his wife was transgendered and he killed her.

  13. I think it is a hugely complicated subject.

    I don't think it should be made into any kind of issue and i don't think the man has to justify his feelings in this kind of statement.

    It is not necessary for a man to announce that he is straight, in fact doing so often creates the impression that you are protesting too much

    However, i will say that i am a crossdresser and am straight, i am not attracted to men but i have a facebook page that has photos of me on and i am very passable. i gat a huge amount of attention and personal messages from men and a lot of them want to know if i have a penis.

    There are many sexualities in this world, gay, straight, bi, lesbian whatever! i don't care.

    If however you are the sort of guy that likes a girl to have a penis then you should swallow your pride so to speak , and admit to yourself that you may be a little gay. also just add to that that...it actually doesn't matter if you are or not!

    A lot of attention seems to be put on the idea that you have to prove the theory that guys who like transexuals are straight, as if you feel you are helping them be accepted as real woman in society, which of course they should be. But in doing this you are forgetting that they actually don't care what your sexuality is, it is your issue and your hangup and not theirs

    Tr not to seek out the penis so much and focus on the person and you will find less accusations that you are gay.

  14. T-girls are still biologically male and claiming anything else is just pseudoscientific bullcrap. If being a heterosexual man who is attracted to a T-girl does not make him homosexual or bisexual then how can homsexuality be legitimately defined as being attracted to someone of the gender when a T-girl and a gay/bi man are both infact male. Now it seems more like people are actually attracted to various characteristics and behaviors varying in degrees of masculinity and femininity which is often associated with pansexuality.
    Why do you assume that all Transgendered people want to be with the opposite sex of what they relate themselves to? Did you not know that gender identity does NOT imply any specific sexuality even tho most would like to live a "straight life". You also make the assumption that all gay, bisexual men and even straight/bi women prefer masculine, macho guys. Sure, many do but guess what, some prefer guys that are more feminine, cute, androgyne instead of those muscly studs or hairy beasts and they are just as gay/bi or whatever as macho lovers. Personally I Don't believe in homo/bi/heterosexuality so it doesn't apply to me since I view myself as pansexual and not bi.

  15. I am probably what you call totally confused at the moment...I am 36 year old male and this is the first time that i have searched for this particular topic, but its not the first time i have questioned myself. For lack of a better way to put it, I am not gay...but i find myself uncorfortably attracted to t-gals...i dont know why and its been going on for a long time now...its now an every day struggle.

  16. I am a 22 year old Black male and I wasnt born with a liking for Transexuals. Its kinda funny because, as a kid and teen, I was always the ladies man so being with a female was never a problem even to this day it is not a problem, although I am definitely more attracted to a transexual women than a women by birth. I think my love for transexual women started when I stumbled across tranny porn and liked it. I drove myself near crazy trying to figure out why I liked this and even to this day I dont know why, but I have come to accept it for what its worth. I remember wishing for the day when I would get a chance to be with that beautiful transexual and make love to her like no other. Have I had that oppurtunity you ask? Yes, I have and Ive even been in a serious relationship with a transexual. I never found it hard to treat her as a woman because thats how I looked at her, I couldnt see a difference other than the way we had sex and the way a man has sex with a biological women. Yes, I let her top me and yes I would top her. I've never felt gay or bi and I dont think that if you like to be stimulated anally that it makes you gay, unless you like a man who looks like a man, thinks like a man, acts like a man and so forth. I dont know if I will end my life with a transexual women or a biological women, but what I do kno is that if you dont come to terms with who you are and what you like, it will eat you up 24/7. Love you for who you are not what you like, and love her for who she is not whats between her legs because when it boils down, sex is a just a plus when it comes to being in a relationship.

  17. You know, the statement "gay men do NOT want to be with transsexual women" could be construed as yet another myth! I have had gay men be attracted to me, and I am a vagina-owning transsexual woman. Yet sadly, some have seemed to be even more horrified at their own attraction to me than straight men! And this goes for pre-op or post-op (I've been both.) It makes me sad.

    And it's another myth that all gay men are phallocentric. Sexual attraction is about more than cock. Many gay men have mostly women for friends. I think attraction is about so much more than genitalia, and it's a sad situation that us t-girls are in because whenever anybody finds themselves attracted to us, most of the time they freak out because their minds are so caught up in labeling, definitions, and mental barriers.

    True love is about the spirit. :)

  18. I'm a trans guy and yeah, I have alot of transwomen friends and they don't like gay guys. And your not gay if you like a transperson.

  19. I'm a guy who loves ts girls and women equally. I would never date/kiss a guy but if a ts girl was passable enough and we connected deeply, would definitely date and even marry one (it hasn't happened yet but I'm still hopeful). As much as I want this to mean I'm 100% heterosexual, I doubt that as I do love dicks and am even into bottoming. Though I don't think I'm completely bisexual either. The closest term I've found for my special brand of sexuality is heteroflexible. Until someone comes up with something better, this is the best term I've found. Agree?

  20. If you both love each other that is what is important. But being gay may complicate life further. I love being being the woman I am but I also prefer guys like Daniel Craig. A bit rough round the edges but knows how to push my buttons.

  21. I am a pre op transgender girl and i agree with this article completely not only do i not want to be with a gay man, but i have never ben with a gay man. and some people are just not seeing the whole picture

  22. How in the hell can a guy be straight then knowingly date another man, also letting a guy romance u and he has no clue is askin for trouble. In philly there's hundreds of ts, most are street tricks, or trick in some way or another. Quite disgusting. They want to be so classy yet they stoop so low and suck for money. Real class.

  23. It is a myth that gay men are not attracted to transexual women post op or pre, I am a gay man and identify myself as such. I do, however, find ts women with penises very stimulating sexually, the idea that we GAY men do not enjoy feminine touch is silly. Look at drag queens, we enjoy and can at times dress up as women during sexual activity, we are still gay. I myself love ts women, they are in most terms ideal, they are feminine with a penis. This is something most gay men share with the ts community.

  24. I have a question about all of this as i'm very confused about this matter,i'm a woman but only like transgender women and do fine if out to lesbian dances and transgenders are there they are attracted to me as i am to them,it does not matter to me if pre-opp or not,women as in(lesbian's)well most of my life ive hid behind a so called lesbian life style as that's the only place i fit in,i get along great with men and do feel a connection with men with women i do not feel this connection,yet i am only attracted to women transgender.Does this make me gay or straight? As i understand about guys that are attracted to transgenders but what about someone like me women that are only attracted to transgeners M to F?

  25. Whooooaaaa there horsey!!! I would just like to correct, or at least, better inform Amber up there about Iran. Iran is a fundamentalist Islamic theocracy, which means that being homosexual is a capital offence (for men). But Iran is SO modern and liberated that they offer gay male couples a choice: either both of them can be hanged to death, or one of them has to submit to an enforced sex change. THAT is how they can say 'there is no homosexuality in Iran.' Check it out if you don't believe me.

    People need to be very careful about citing Dark-Age theocracies like Iran in a positive light. Condoning, or appearing to condone, the forced castration of men really does not help the TG/TS lobby, believe me.(FI I have had many Iranian friends, and they were and are lovely. But they recognise that their country's government is appalling too. That's probably why they left.)

  26. I find this amazing that trans woman do not understand why a "regular" guy wants a lady with "normal" plumbing. Sadly even post ops do not have "normal" plumbing. Their plumbing is made by the doctor from their old body.

    I have nothing against trans woman but regular whys will never accept them because they are different. Once in a while you get a progressive guy but that is not often. Maybe you will find a guy that likes to cross dress. But to think normal guys will love you as a real woman is not true. I support trans woman. I think a lot of them are pretty but it would also freak me out to get too close to one.

    If they are pre op definitively freak me out. But that does not mean they can't look sexy.

  27. I would like to inform my case I am 18 years old I am currently living in Mexico and I consider myself 100% heterosexual, I've never been with a man and I am not attracted by them. And I have to admit that like the article says the last thing I want is for others to think that I am.
    I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSGENDER WOMAN
    and I am going through a really hard time right now because she is about to start her transition, in other words her plastic surgeries.
    The problems that we have are because she has a fisical male appearance due to her condition and has not gone through her transition due to lack of money I don't feel any physical attraction however I do feel I Love her. I've been involved in some experiences where I have cheated on her for the same reason, I go to parties often go to bars and stuff that guys my age do and I feel limited since I cant do things a normal relationship can. For example dance any type of music or kiss her in public or something as simple as holding her hand. This has lead me to cheat on her in simple ways like dancing with another natural female or kissing another girl. I don't know what to do! I don't want to leave her and go with another girl because I know that when she goes through her surgeries and she is completely a woman it will be too late and I wont be able to be with her again in any aspect. She will receive the money she needs in this month however the transition take a little more than a year, and to be completely honest I don't know if I can wait that long with a person I feel I love but without enjoying those things I'm missing out and I don't want to cheat on her again because it will all be over.
    PLEASE COMMENT I NEED HELP

  28. Sex is not in the mind, it is biological, and can never be changed. Sexual preference such as homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality are based on biology, genetic traits we are born with, that occur in nature, outside the influence of human culture. Gender identity is a human fabrication. A baby born in isolation would not grow up to think "I am a woman, or a man", they would only be aware of certain biological urges.

    This is why I believe, when it comes to trans issues, there should be universal tolerance and acceptance, but there can't really be one universal interpretation, because again, gender identity doesn't actually exist. I don't believe there is such a thing as a woman in a man's body because I believe the only thing that makes you a man/woman is your biology/genetics.

    I can't outright say that there isn't a transexual female out there that might fall madly in love with. But as a heterosexual male, for purposes of sexual attraction, I see transexual females as males, and transexual males as males.

  29. I have fallen in love with a women and she is the most perfect women I have ever met. In all ways she touches me. He happens to be post Op. I could care less. This women makes me a better person in life, I trust her like I have trusted no other women (I have been married twice to GG's and I just don't fully connect for a variety of reasons), and finally, when we talk on the phone, our conversations cover all the areas of life that I love. Politics, economic policy, history, trends, some sports, music and just general gossip at times. Our live life is off the charts, we both lose ourselves in the other. I can't explain why I feel like this for the first time in my life with anyone, other then I am in love. As for the extra parts, I could care less, if she wants to have SRS I will be by her side the whole time and will love her just as much as I do today. If she opts out, then I will love her just as much as the today.

    L is the fourth TG I have dated for an extended period of time, each girl was amazing, the first taught me a lot about life and being open minded, she was my best friend ever till she passed, the next two were smart, sexy, fun but in different parts of there lives when we dated, they were 20 years younger then me, L is 10 years younger, and perfect in ever way for me. Its not about sex guys, its about living life with someone.

    And finally, when you are with a real TG women, you will never have a more loyal lover, beret friend, and understanding women. They have many insights and experiences that if you listen, will make you a better person in all areas, and in my case, L will make a great wife.

    Now that I have grown up, and know what I need and want, I am finally ready to give myself the the one I was made for.

    Be a gentleman, communicate, treat her with dignity, respect and class. Take care of her and you will be shocked at how she will take care of you in all ways. Physical, emotional, mental, and professionally.

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